Submitted by Mad Monk on
So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
The hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."
*****
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
*****
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books and crying. He asks what's wrong. "The word is 'celebrate'," says the old monk.
*****
Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the wet monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"
*****
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she thought she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
*****
A young man decided to become a monk.
He joined the local monastery to be initiated into the spiritual life.
As part of his training he was told he must live in one room, with one meal a day in complete silence. Every six months he was allowed out of the room and could say three words.
After the first six months the man was let out of the room and taken to the Abbot. The Abbot asked, do you have anything to say? The man replied "bed too hard." Ok said the Abbot, we will see what we can do.
Six months later the man was let out of the room again and taken to see the Abbot. "Do you have anything to say?" asked the Abbot. The man replied "room too cold." Ok said the Abbot, we will see what we can do.
After another six months the man was let out of the room again and the Abbot asked him if he had anything to say. "Not enough food" replied the man. Ok said the Abbot, we will see what we can do.
After another six months the man came out of his room and the Abbot said to him "I am sorry but you have failed to become a monk".
"But why?" asked the man. The Abbot replied, "You complain too much".
*****
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"As you’re a new patient with me, I do apologize, but I haven't had time to review your case file and I'm not really aware of your problem." The psychiatrist said, "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"But of course." Replied the patient, "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth ..."
*****
https://www.openhandweb.org/the_humour_thread_jokes_with_a_spiritual_flavour