Greetings all – resident provoker and meta-chef Holmes stirring the pot of Soul soup at your service once again. What have I come to dish up? Perhaps a few New Year delectable tidbits that will titillate your palates. Yummy …

Let’s start with basics - How do we usually reference the New Year? … As a continuance of the life cycle full of renewed hope and opportunities? Denial of the fear associated with lofty resolutions we never seem to be able to honor? (this time you will REALLY do it!) Knowing you will be ripped off wherever we decide to publically party? (stale food, mini portions, watered down drinks) Tsk, tsk, not to worry, these are naught but mundane ponderings – relax, sit back and get ready to engage some Soul-utions …

Oddly enough, my research has shown people actually prefer to be miserable and have an uncanny ability to do so all wrapped up in shiny feel good excuses. In that vein, here are some suggestions par excellence that are guaranteed to help you ignore your Soul:

1. First and foremost you should lie to yourself. It is the ultimate feel good to make yourself believe you are something you are not so, puff up that ego and lie, lie, lie – the more grandiose the better. If you believe others will too! Right?
2. Ignore, dismiss and run away from your problems. Perfect! After all Mama told you, “ignore it and it will go away.” You know from personal experience that works – don’t you? Even better, work some magic and make your problems look like they are not yours at all – it’s others who are causing the problems not you!
3. Hold onto the past and bitch and moan. After all the past is familiar and you are comfortable with it. The future – nah, way too scary. You’ll just let it play out because it will stink but at least it will give you something to complain about next year. See? Benefits already.
4. Now this one will take a little work but, try conjuring up your old fear of making mistakes. Stick with your old excuses and refined methodology of avoiding anything new because you might make a mistake and that would just be unbearable.
5. Stir up your green-eyed monster. You don’t have to put up with any sickening happiness others are experiencing – it’s just annoying. Speak your mind and tell those opportunists what you think!
6. Along with jealousy, be greedy and be sure to hold grudges. You are not obligated to help, assist or cajole anyone this year. Take it for yourself. Ah! Grinchdom!
7. Start relationships for the wrong reasons with the wrong people. You know upfront you will walk out so take advantage and get what you want. And for heaven’s sake, do not lend a sympathetic ear to anyone or try to offer “people” solutions to anyone – Dr. Phil you ain’t!
8. Buy yourself some happiness. If you have no money then use other’s money and pre-contemplate some good excuses why you can’t pay it back. The love of money is not the root of evil and money CAN buy you happiness no matter how temporary. After all you don’t want permanent happiness as that would cancel out # 3 and your right to bitch and moan.
9. Strive to be insufferable. People are not equipped to handle someone who is insufferable. It will give you the upper hand to carry out the other eight suggestions with aplomb!
10. When performing all of the above always take the path of least resistance. Take shortcuts, be lazy – why do any hard work at all if you can avoid it. To hell with discipline! This of course in part covers dieting and exercise. It’s okay to be a fat-assed Jabba the Hut. Others have nothing to say – if they have a problem it’s their problem not yours. Ignore them and uphold #2.

Tipping my hat to you all! Oh, and Happy New Year …

Holmes