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Step right up and meet the Great European Seer ZOLTAR. He hates his name. You see ZOLTAR has a bad attitude and a chip on his shoulder. He has been harboring a grudge since his cousin ZOLTAN had a major role in the movie "Big" starring Tom Hanks back in 1988. After the movie premiered, there was a big rush of popularity for all penny arcade fortune telling machines which died down just about as fast as it got started. Consequently, ZOLTAR doesn't have anything nice to say about anyone's solar sign so be sure to read this with a HUGE sense of humor...

ARIES

"I AM"

Your dominant keywords of ‘I Am' should really state, ‘I AM ANNOYING.' You think that your opinions should be the universally accepted beliefs of all mankind and you have no problem trying to ram your conclusions down the throats of others. It IS true that you can be quite a wordsmith but you talk too much... way too much. As a matter of fact you are so busy talking you don't even hear what anyone else is saying. Actually you couldn't care less what anyone else is saying because in your microcosmic world only you count. Baa-baa bad sheep!

TAURUS

"I HAVE"

Sure you do. You HAVE what's yours and want what everyone else HAS but better. You know it's true and the reason is because you're so cheap. You're so cheap in fact that you spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to retrieve the dollar of change you put into my machine! You'd rather spend that dollar of change on some antique so you can brag to the neighbors in full detail about how you are such a grand master of value. Well, I have news for you Taurus - if you even try to weasel that change out of my machine with your grubby little hoof I'll give you a manicure you won't soon forget! Go appease yourself with a doughnut.

GEMINI

"I THINK"

You think huh? Not really. You just like to make people believe that you not only know how to think but that you ponder deeply and profoundly. Just like the legendary Loki, the trickster, you just throw around a bunch of BS and make it sound good and worse... true. Well, the jig is up Gemini and your eternal well of excuses and typical glibness isn't going to help you to get out of this one. All of this is no more than a cover up for your real persona which is akin to a sexually starved hamster with Attention Deficit Disorder dancing to the tune of "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.

CANCER

"I FEEL"

I'm just about fed up with all of this ‘feeling' baloney associated with your sign. The truth is you could care less about anyone except yourself. You are also the biggest bully in the zodiac. You stick your nose where it doesn't belong and hand out unwanted advice carefully disguised as gushing maudlin caring. When you can't persuade others that you are only looking out for their best interest with your cheap advice, the REAL you comes out which is like a giant monster king crab with a glandular disorder ready to devour anything in its path. AND heaven help the poor soul who doesn't think one of your jokes is funny or who forgets to pay back the money you lent them because you'll ‘guilt' them into a year long depression.

LEO

"I CREATE"

This may come as a shock but you are NOT the center of the Universe so all of this nonsense about ‘creating' is out of whack! If you create anything it is usually a big mess. You're not concerned about your messes because no one would dare to criticize you for fear of the backlash and being teased unmercifully for the rest of their natural lives. You are the king of manipulation and this comes easy to you because you are such a martyr. That's right - Cancer doesn't hold a candle to you in the martyr/manipulation department. You're also obsessive and possessive when it comes to sex but you cover up that tacky and tawdry side of your life with phony dignity.

VIRGO

"I ANALYZE"

Analyze my derrière! What you really do is Criticize. This is very clever of you because it is the best way to turn the tables on an adversary. If that doesn't work then you just act agonizingly boring until your opponent falls asleep or gives up out of frustration. Your sign is also known as the sign of service and while this is true it is also another way you cover up the ‘real' you which is highly promiscuous... AND for the rest of you who are snickering (except Scorpio) - let's remember that service means service and prostitutes need to make a living too even if it is a second income! You are also a gossip monger particularly when you have nothing else to do (which is often since you feign being busy). You are supposed to be the zodiacal sign of intelligence but truth be known you're actually the village idiot.

LIBRA

"I BALANCE"

In my book the only thing you balance is Circus Balls! You're another over-rated sign that runs a close second to Virgo as an imbecile. Do you even need to ask why? Others say you are the procrastinator of the Zodiac because you need time to weigh what is fair and just. The truth is you're just stupid and don't have any answers. You also corner the market on superficiality and preoccupation with cleanliness. You like to be married (the more marriages the better) but are not necessarily interested in procreation. In your world children should be "clean and not heard." You have the worst temper of any sign in the Zodiac and it surprises others when you spout off because your sickeningly sweet façade throws them off.

SCORPIO

"I DESIRE"

Let's take a good look at you Hot Stuff and this desire of yours! It is said that Scorpio has been blessed with tremendous stamina and that you like to have sex 24-7. This is simply not true. Your genitals don't guide you but your criminal mind does. You'll cheat anyone out of anything (especially money) and then when you get it you hoard it. It goes straight into your abyss of collectibles among everything else you've collected since you were three years old. As far as sex goes, you can and will wield it like a weapon along with the other nasty things you engage like the black arts, sorcery and the occasional bloodletting.

SAGITTARIUS

"I UNDERSTAND"

Well, if you are so understanding, why are you always in trouble? Most of your trouble starts with your rude mouth and blunt speech pattern. You pretend to innocently blurt things out but you mean what you are saying. You enjoy being facetious and then think it is hilarious when the human brunt of your wordy barrage doesn't get it. It takes at least 5 minutes for your repartee to sink into the average person's brain. The worst part is your recipient usually thanks you for it no matter how brutal the delivery. You also enjoy stirring up trouble between people and then just sit there enjoying the ensuing battle that erupts. Since you are always looking for lucrative ventures, maybe you should join up with Scorpio... you could mesmerize folks with your banter while Scorpio picks their pockets.

CAPRICORN

"I USE"

Yes you do... you use everyone and everything and you don't care. Don't even try to dispute it or cover it up with any lame attempts of faked justification. You'd step on your mother if it would get you ahead. Everything with you is push and shove and this is because you borrow the art of bullying from your polarity sign of Cancer. Worst of all you are nothing but a big baby when you don't get your own way. As a matter of fact you have been known to go to extremes just to prove your point and get attention. You are supposedly the busy sign of the Zodiac but this is not born of out of any inner dynamic to achieve - you're just hyper. I bet you wouldn't be able to still in for five minutes unless a monetary wager was involved. You are also a terrible story teller because you belabor the plot to such an extent everyone falls asleep or loses track of the point.

AQUARIUS

"I KNOW"

This is an incomplete statement. It should say "I know I'm right and you're wrong." I am wasting my time talking to you because your arrogance far outweighs your intelligence and you'll compensate by dropping into paradox mode pretending to be preoccupied with something much more cosmically important. Most people find you complex but I know you're just a faker and a taker... a real weasel. It's your eyes that give you away every time... they dart about and you never look at anyone straight on when you are lying or trying to escape. AND escape you do... every time!

PISCES

"I BELIEVE"

So what do you want - a medal? All of this spiritual bunk surrounding your sign is a bunch of nonsense. Your sign is no more spiritual than anyone else's sign and you know it. You're just a little more adept at pulling the wool over the eyes of others. You are a terrible communicator and no one can understand what you say which is usually some twisted metaphysical double talk laced with incompetent attempts at intelligence. Those of you who are intelligent tend to be of the mad scientist variety working subversively on some weird project that has absolutely no value to mankind. You are often described as a ‘goody two shoes" in nature but the truth is you're a sex maniac. Nobody notices you as much as Scorpio in this regard because you're quiet and sneaky about it. Virgo of course understands all of this since it is your polarity sign so maybe the two of you should open shop!

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