AN IMPORTANT WORD ABOUT THE JINN ...

Before you read on, please note that our research has uncovered that Jinn Am’ Fulofit blatantly takes credit for inventing APRIL FOOL’S DAY not just because he was bored and wanted to have more fun but because he does not suffer human fools gladly. DO NOT to take his words seriously – he loves to rile folks up! Enjoy his warped sense of humor … laughter is after all the best medicine!

"I am the great Jinn Am’ Fulofit. Those of you mere mortals who identify me as a "genie" will do this because you have the mind of a backward walking jackass. Those of you who are enlightened will recognize me as the great Jinn and Master of Fate that I am!

If you think I am here to grant you wishes or to give you some fine future prediction then think again! I am here to give you my predilection for your sign. For you sons and daughters of the backward walking jackass, that means I’m going to give you a message according to the favorable prepossession of my mind. Does this mean good tidings for you? This is not probable. The presenter of this post LOGOS, who has the audacity of a three humped camel, summoned me while I was in another place and time … the Hot Springs Harem Huuk-huuk where Oola the slave girl was casting me the come hither look while bouncing pomegranate seeds off my turban! At my age, time travel and an oasis with good accommodations are nearly impossible!

 So, you Homosapien hoi polloi sons and daughters of the backward walking jackass, here is a piece of my mind …"

ARIES

“I AM”

“Your dominant keywords of ‘I Am’ should really state, ‘I AM ANNOYING.’  You think that your opinions should be the universally accepted beliefs of all mankind and you have no problem trying to ram your conclusions down the throats of others. It IS true that you can be quite a wordsmith but you talk too much… way too much. As a matter of fact you are so busy talking you don’t even hear what anyone else is saying. Actually you couldn’t care less what anyone else is saying because in your microcosmic world only you count. All Aries men aspire to be Captain Kirk with a dash of Hugh Hefner … daring to go where no man has gone before and likely to get caught.  All Aries women aspire to be Xena the Warrior Princess with a dash of Descartes … beauty, brains, and brawn or fast, overbearing, and pushy. This just goes to show how egotistical you all are! There is no subtlety here, just rashness and brashness. Aries men and women deserve each other. This is because no one else in the human race can stand you. Baa-baa bad sheep! 

TAURUS

“I HAVE” 

Sure you do. You HAVE what’s yours and want what everyone else HAS but better. You know it’s true and the reason is because you’re so cheap. You’re so cheap in fact that you'll  spend 30 minutes trying to figure out how to retrieve the dollar of change you put into a vending machine! You’d rather spend that dollar of change on some antique so you can brag to the neighbors in full detail about how you are such a grand master of value. Well, I have news for you Taurus – if you even try to weasel any more change out of any vending machines with your grubby little hoof I’ll give you a manicure you won’t soon forget! What are you laughing at? Some of the worst people in history were born under your sign – Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Jim Jones, and the Ayatollah Khomeini. What’s that you say? These are just exceptions to the rule? You’d rather be an artist and a lover? Just like Carmen Electra or George Clooney?  Far be it from me to tell you any different. You’re impossible, immovable, and imperious. You eat too much and push everyone else to eat too much so you can get a kick out of it when they get fat and you don’t. If this weren’t bad enough, you expect everyone else to pay for your meal. Go appease yourself with a doughnut. 

GEMINI

"I THINK"

You think huh? Many call you the sparkling gem of the Zodiac but the truth is you are the world’s greatest con artist. You make an art form out of lying even to yourself! When you get caught in a lie you very conveniently blame it on your “other” personality. Of course when someone tries to address that “other” personality about the lie it’s no where to be found. You could do great things in life but you have no staying power. “Call me later” has become your personal mantra. What “later?” There is no later! You’re too busy running around in reckless abandon to pay much attention. You have a smart aleck answer for everything and claim to have immunity to the remarks of others. The truth is you can’t stand to be bested verbally especially by a Sagittarian who by nature thinks you are an imbecile. You like to fool around … a lot. Don Juan was a Gemini. All Gemini Men think they are Don Juan or the Marquee de Sade who was also a Gemini. Gemini women don’t know who they are so they just make it up as they go along. Here's some truth for you Gemini - your real persona is akin to a sexually starved hamster with Attention Deficit Disorder dancing to the tune of “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.

CANCER

“I FEEL”

I’m just about fed up with all of this ‘feeling’ baloney associated with your sign. The truth is you could care less about anyone except yourself. You are also the biggest bully in the zodiac. You stick your nose where it doesn’t belong and hand out unwanted advice carefully disguised as gushing maudlin caring. When you can’t persuade others that you are only looking out for their best interest with your cheap advice, the REAL you comes out which is like a giant monster king crab with a glandular disorder ready to devour anything in its path.  AND heaven help the poor soul who doesn’t think one of your jokes is funny or who forgets to pay back the money you lent them because you’ll ‘guilt’ them into  a year long depression. It is true that you like to cook and will do so for just about everyone except Taureans who won’t pay you for the groceries because they don’t see the value in something they can’t collect and stare at for hours. All Cancers love to hoard because it makes them feel safe. There's usually one room in their house where they've literally built a metropolis with what they've hoarded. It's not a good idea for anyone to go in there especially Geminis. Their ten personalities would be too easily lost and never found. Pisces however would love it because they're lost most of the time anyway.

LEO

“I CREATE”

This may come as a shock but you are NOT the center of the Universe so all of this nonsense about ‘creating’ is out of whack! If you create anything it is usually a big mess. You’re not concerned about your messes because no one would dare to criticize you for fear of the backlash and being teased unmercifully for the rest of their natural lives. Your sign is often described as kingly, kind, and generous but this usually comes from other Leos. You’re not really generous you just pretend. As a matter of fact you’re dumb as a rock sitting on the desert sand when it comes to money. You’ll buy anything just for show. It’s not a good idea for you to hang around with Aries or Sagittarius because they’re dumb about money too. You’re better off hanging around with a Taurus. At least a Taurus will tell you WHEN, WHERE, WHY, and HOW to spend your money. All Leos have floor to ceiling mirrored bedrooms with a spotlight that shines on the bed. This makes it easy for them to wake up admiring themselves. All Leos also have a secret gold crown that they wear when they go to the bathroom. After all, a throne is a throne.

VIRGO

“I ANALYZE”

Analyze my derrière! What you really do is Criticize. This is very clever of you because it is the best way to turn the tables on an adversary.  If that doesn’t work then you just act agonizingly boring until your opponent falls asleep or gives up out of frustration. Your sign is also known as the sign of service and while this is true it is also another way you cover up the ‘real’ you which is highly promiscuous… AND  for the rest of you who are snickering (except Scorpio) – let’s remember that service means service and prostitutes need to make a living too even if it is a second income! All Virgos are also sadists. You are the sign that rules health but what you’ve really done is create different brands of neurosis for all the rest of the signs. Then you very cleverly hide behind your own hypochondria so no one suspects what you’ve done. You are a gossip monger as well, particularly when you have nothing else to do (which is often since you feign being busy). You are supposed to be the zodiacal sign of intelligence but truth be known you’re actually the village idiot.

LIBRA

“I BALANCE”

In my book the only thing you balance is Circus Balls! You’re another over-rated sign that runs a close second to Virgo as an imbecile. Do you even need to ask why? Others say you are the procrastinator of the Zodiac because you need time to weigh what is fair and just. The truth is you’re just stupid and don’t have any answers. You also corner the market on superficiality and preoccupation with cleanliness. There is no such thing as a fat, disheveled, or ugly Libra. It was a Libra who invented liposuction, breast implants, plastic surgery, and collagen injections to avoid such distasteful ends. Libras can’t stand to grow old and that is why they hate the sign of Capricorn which represents “youth in old age” and oh how Capricorn loves to grind it in by constantly advising, “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it! You like to be married (the more marriages the better) but are not necessarily interested in procreation. In your world children should be “clean and not heard.” You are supposed to be the tactful sign of the Zodiac but you can employ the mouth of a truck driver and then end your statements with, “have a nice day.” You invented this approach because you are jealous of Scorpio who also has the mouth of a truck driver, doesn’t apologize for it and gets away with it. You figure your approach will guarantee you the popularity you can’t live without.

SCORPIO

“I DESIRE”

All Scorpios are stupid and there is historic fact to prove it. In ancient times Scorpio was depicted as an eagle and better yet, the phoenix! So what do you insist upon as a representative of your sign? The lowly scorpion, scourge of the desert and bane of my ancestors! You’re not fooling anyone. You did this just to be irritating. You irritate everyone. You should team up with Aries so you can corner the market on irritation. It doesn’t stop there. Your sign has heralded some of the worst disasters in history except the sinking of the Titanic which belongs to Aries. Your sign marked the crash of the U.S. stock exchange in 1929, the start of the Bolshevik revolution, Black Tuesday, the start of the Great Depression and the explosion of the first hydrogen bomb. Most likely you also heralded the Black Plague. Then there’s the sex thing. It is said that Scorpio has been blessed with tremendous stamina and that you like to have sex 24-7. This is simply not true. Your genitals don’t guide you but your criminal mind does. You’ll cheat anyone out of anything (especially money) and then when you get it you hoard it. It goes straight into your abyss of collectibles among everything else you’ve collected since you were three years old. As far as sex goes, you can and will wield it like a weapon along with the other nasty things you engage like the black arts, sorcery and the occasional bloodletting. Perhaps you should rethink your sign symbol and pick a new one. Godzilla might work.

SAGITTARIUS

“I UNDERSTAND”

Actually you know nothing and understand even less. At the beginning of time the Powers that Be played a huge joke on you. There was a big argument about whether an object, animal, or human figure should represent your sign. Some wanted your sign to be a jackass and others a wise sage. No one could agree so they decided to make your symbol half human and half jackass. This worked for a while until someone took pity and changed the animal half to a horse. Unfortunately, the connotation of jackass remained. That is why today Sagittarius reflects two characteristics – either the wise sage or the horse’s derriere … you know kind of a perfect idiot. How can an idiot be perfect? You should explain this to everyone else since you invented it. Come on, you know you want to! Most Sagittarians live to a ripe old age but they don’t look pretty like Libra. The females look like a 125 year old version of Hermione Gingold and the males like a 125 year old version of Ozzy Osborne. You also enjoy stirring up trouble between people and then just sit there enjoying the ensuing battle that erupts.  Since you are always looking for  lucrative ventures, maybe you should join up with Scorpio... you could mesmerize folks with your banter while Scorpio picks their pockets.

CAPRICORN

“I USE”

Yes you do... you use everyone and everything and you don’t care. You’d step on your mother if it would get you ahead. As a matter of fact you have been known to go to extremes just to prove your point and get attention. You are supposedly the busy sign of the Zodiac but this is not born of out of any inner dynamic to achieve - you’re just hyper. I bet you wouldn’t be able to still in for five minutes unless a monetary wager was involved. You are also a terrible story teller because you belabor the plot to such an extent everyone falls asleep or loses track of the point. All Capricorns are all really aliens. In reality, you look like a cross between Henny Youngman and David Bowie but since you are surrounded by an alien force field everyone thinks you look like Nicholas Cage or Sissy Spacek. This is done mostly to aggravate Librans who are jealous of your false capacity to stay young looking. Over the centuries you have done a good job pinning your alien rap on Aquarius who is now viewed as the weirdo of the Zodiac thanks to you. You have been called everything from a workaholic to a mystic and you embrace these labels to keep humans confused. Capricorn, you don’t work nor are you mystical. You may be disguised as a human but your terrible eating habits and laziness give you away. What you really do is sit around all day playing poker, drinking beer, eating pork rinds and levitating. You consider Spam and Hamburger Helper gourmet food. Pretty soon everyone is going to catch on to you. Even your symbol the Seagoat is phony. What’s a Seagoat anyway? It’s nothing more than a botched alien attempt to fit in. Shame on you!

AQUARIUS

“I KNOW”

This is an incomplete statement. It should say “I know I’m right and you’re wrong.” I am wasting my time talking to you because your arrogance far outweighs your intelligence and you’ll compensate by dropping into paradox mode pretending to be preoccupied with something much more cosmically important. Most people find you complex but I know you’re just a faker and a taker… a real weasel. It’s your eyes that give you away every time… they dart about and you never look at anyone straight on when you are lying or trying to escape. AND escape you do… every time! You people can’t keep a commitment to save your lives! You’ll disappear without a trace, return ten years later, and expect everyone you’ve offended to welcome with open arms like nothing happened. No one knows where you go and you can’t remember where you’ve been. It’s all part of a plot devised by you to drive everyone else crazy. You did this so you could become rich... your sign invented psychoanalysis just so you could rake in the cash. You are supposed to be the sign of humanitarianism but the truth is you really don’t even like other people unless you are having sex with them or they are lending you their condo for the weekend. You are an intellectual snob and lose patience with anyone you deem less enlightened than you. Sometimes you’ll talk to a Sagittarian but only if there’s an Aries around to act as referee – or would that be monkey in the middle?

PISCES

“I BELIEVE”

So what do you want – a medal? All of this spiritual bunk surrounding your sign is a bunch of nonsense. Your sign is no more spiritual than anyone else’s sign and you know it. You’re just a little more adept at pulling the wool over the eyes of others. You are a terrible communicator and no one can understand what you say which is usually some twisted metaphysical double talk laced with incompetent attempts at intelligence. Those of you who are intelligent tend to be of the mad scientist variety working subversively on some weird project that has absolutely no value to mankind. Why do you always think you have something to prove? You make a complete fool out of yourself trying to fit in where you don’t belong. Actually, you really know this about yourself which is why you invented nudist camps. You did this to get even with the other signs because you knew most of them wouldn’t have the guts to join except for Libra who is just looking for an excuse to get a complete body over haul. So, how did you get even with Libra? You invented leap year so that some of your kind could stay perpetually young by having one birthday every four years. This of course drives the Libra to distraction. You also invented Scientology just to aggravate Aquarians. The only sign you get along with is Cancer because you have two things in common. The two of you like to play Sarah Bernhardt and two of you have a shoe fetish. Both of you need to get a life. 

LAUGH LONG AND HEARTY AND FIND THE DIVINITY WITHIN