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Happy Halloween! I’m Uncle Creepy and I’ve put together a little entertainment for you. Check out my own brand of “monstrology”…

ARIES:

EDWARD CULLEN (Twilight)
He’s young, he’s sizzlin’ and he can move with the speed of light. He’s the modern day James Dean, a rebel with a cause … too bad he’s a vampire. Not to worry – like all Ariens he currently has a one track mind and is in hot pursuit of his current amour Bella. That’s a good thing because you’d make a fine snack. Shine on you pretty vampire. Sparkle, sparkle!

TAURUS:

GRANT GRANT (Slither)
Poor Grant. His body was invaded by a nasty space slug and now he just can’t get enough to eat. Isn’t that just like a Taurus? Come on… dish the poor guy up a couple of raw steaks, five live chickens and a pile of ribs. Oh and don’t stand too close because you’d make a mighty fine appetizer! Oh go on - give the poor lonely monster a kiss!

GEMINI:

DAMIEN (OMEN)
We all know Damien is a Gemini since his birth data is given as 6-6 at 6:00! The little bugger is half human and half devil which is very apropos for this sign signature. In typical Gemini fashion “the kid” is very temperamental. It’s best not to go near him if he’s riding his bike… that’s when he does his best work.

CANCER:

EVE (Species)
Can’t a girl catch a break? All she wanted was to be loved and raise a family in a little ivy covered cave in an out of the way locale. Eve is some pretty hot stuff and can lure a man in with just a longing glance. Too bad for you if she catches you - her children are hungry.  It’s all about family you know!

LEO:

THE JINN (Wishmaster)
With true Leo generosity the Jinn will grant you three glorious wishes for whatever your heart desires… just be careful what you wish for because he’s really after your Soul. When he collects enough souls he’ll be able to open the gate to the nether regions and let all the other disgusting monsters out so they can party hearty and takeover the world. This guy thinks a lot of himself doesn’t he?

VIRGO:

HUNTER (Predator)
He’s mean, he’s lean, he’s a logical killing machine AND he wants your head for a trophy. Not to worry – you won’t feel a thing when this skilled hunter locks you in as prey on his radar. Make sure your hair is combed… this guy can’t stand a mess. It’s all in a good day’s work and service to an alien race.

LIBRA:

THE BRIDE (Bride of Frankenstein)
Such a lovely bride and the perfect temperamental representative of the sign of Libra. She just couldn’t make up her mind… did she want the monster or not?
NOT!! In true Libra fashion this completely superficial female wanted nothing but a hunky guy. Somebody go get a mirror.

SCORPIO:

NOSFERATU (Nosferatu)
Who else would represent the over-sexed sign of Scorpio than that bloodsucking horn-dog himself Nosferatu! I mean look at this guy – sex is on his mind even when he’s snacking. One might say as monsters go – he’s a handy guy to have around.

SAGITTARIUS:

PINHEAD (Hellraiser)
Pinhead with his warped sense of philosophy regarding death, pain and pleasure is a true Sag! Also consider the fact that this guy never shuts up and you have the perfect representative of this sign. I hate to think where he would stick an arrow if he had one.

CAPRICORN:

THE TALL MAN (PHANTASM)
In the Nether World the Tall Man is at the top of the demon ladder of success. This is because he’s really greedy and can’t satisfy himself with just a few souls. He has a goal and a plan and as chief executive phantom he employs quite a crew of shiny mirrored death balls to help him achieve. Such a Capricorn! If you can’t beat em' - kill em’.

AQUARIUS:

KILLER KLOWNS (Killer Klowns from Outer Space)
Well, who else would dress weird like this except an Aquarian? Plus…You can see these guys are into the “group” thing. Kinda’ makes you want to go to the circus doesn’t it?! Come on… the clown has a pretty red balloon for you! He also has really big teeth.

PISCES:

GILL-MAN (Creature from the Black Lagoon)
Such a pretty fishy! AND in true Piscean fashion he’s quite enamored with the ladies. Hey girls why not give him whorl? You know you’d love to go on a tropical vacation. Don’t forget to pack your favorite bikini and a little anti -chromosome oil.

Reprint courtesy of The Galactic Press, Vol. 26

*** Uncle Creepy is a Light Force Network Seasonal Character***